Private Thoughts
by zukoaang1
Summary: Private Thoughts of Katara and Zuko after The GuruCrossroads of Destiny. Possibly those of Aang and Azula later.Reveals their angst and pain.
1. Chapter 1

7

**Private Thoughts**

Avatar belongs to Nickelodeon and its creators. This takes place after The Crossroads of Destiny and includes the thoughts of Katara and Zuko from the beginning of season one up to hypothetically what might happen in Season 3.

Katara's thoughts after Ba Sing Se fell.

"I'm sorry." I had been waiting for those words. I had suppressed my feelings for Zuko for so long. Feelings that had arisen when I had realized Zuko was conflicted about his mission. Aang and I caught glimpses of self-loathing and confusion that had arisen from Zuko questioning the morality of his actions of his nation. At least that was what we wanted to believe. Even Sokka could see that he was in some sort of emotional pain. We all hated him, but Aang and I felt some measure of sympathy for him. Even Sokka had felt sorry for him when Azula had struck his uncle with blue fire. After Ba Sing Se fell, the emotional pain I felt, especially whenever I went over to Aang's sleeping bag to heal him was excruciating. Whenever no one was looking, I cried until I could cry no more. The days immediately after were incredibly painful. I wondered to myself, in a year when I turned 16, would there be a fiancé waiting for me, or would I be an unmarried woman until I died. That is, if I lived to see sixteen...

Aang was a monk. I did not know what he discussed with the Guru, before he returned to Ba Sing Se to help me, or when we returned to the Eastern Air Temple for him to heal and meditate before we went to retake the city. However, I knew that he felt something for me. His actions in coming to help me, before ensuring the safety of the generals, the Earth King, even completing his training, told me they were deeper than I thought. I did not know the exact details about letting go of earthy attachments in order to experience nirvana, oneness with the heavens, the undefined divine. However, I did know that Aang was a Divine Medium in human form, an Avatar, more than an ordinary monk was. Ordinary monks, like the nuns we had met at the abbey who had cared for Bato, could not marry, nor have children. Ordinary persons could find a Middle Path to Enlightenment, but in order to avoid jealousy, deceit, and other emotions that could come with any strong attachment, even money or power, the Air Nomads and the nuns that we had met supported themselves through cottage industry, contributions and focused on meditation and yoga in order to achieve enlightenment. In the case of martial arts monks such as Aang and even all benders, union with the energy of nature increased our chi and thus our powers. In the case of Aang in order to attain a higher level of power, he would have to give up having a wife and family. I had suspected this a long time ago.

However, since there were no Air Nomad theocracy to tell Aang what to do I was not sure if those rules still applied to Aang. However, after seeing him be able to go into the Avatar state at will in our last battle, I suspect that was what had happened, though I will never know for sure. I love Aang, but I felt a mother's love, a sister's love, not that of a girl for the boy that she would one day marry. Not until after that battle in Ba Sing Se did I feel something akin to romantic love. I had always thought that Aang attractive. His body was developing. I knew he had a great capacity to love and he had great compassion. I saw him save Zuko at the North Pole when I said not one word in his favor when Sokka wanted to leave him to freeze to death.

However, I pulled away from those feelings because I did not know what would happen with his spiritual obligations given the fact that he was the last air bender. He needed to continue his race somehow. Thus, he had to have children.

My confusion about my feelings for Jet whom I once thought debonair also got in the way. I met him right after my confusing episode with Zuko and the stupid Water bending Scroll, and the Pirates. I was vulnerable and confused, for Zuko had protected me from the pirates. He had not let them rape me. Nor had he killed everyone in my tribe. He gave his word to Aang and kept it. His wanted poster said he had disobeyed orders to exterminate the Water Tribes. We saw that poster in the Desert. Everyone had pretended not to notice it.

As for my attraction to Haru, these feelings were mostly that of friendship. Yet with Zuko it was deeper, it was more dangerous. With Jet, I had found him dashing, but there had been no purpose to his life save revenge. Aang could be immature, but he embraced his duty more and more. With Zuko, the physical attraction was there, but he wanted more than my love. He wanted me body and soul. He found my necklace, he took it .Despite my protestations that it was my mother's. He had no further use for it. He had seen me at Avatar Roku's temple. We had not much chance to speak, yet he made no effort to return it. That is, assuming he had it on his person then. By the time we met Bato at the Abbey, he fought Aang with it dangling from his wrist. He intended to possess my very soul and it scared me. The others wanted my body and my love. He wanted more

However, Aang has the greater capacity to love. Zuko clearly had experienced emotional and physical abuse. What he said down in the caves confirmed this. I am not sure that anyone save a professional spiritual and emotional guide can free him of all his demons.

I am Aang's guardian, and I will give my life to protect him, to protect my brother, my friends. Even it that means fighting Zuko, his sister, and Ozai to the death. The Dai Li are dangerous, but they follow orders, the orders of the Royal Fire Siblings. Zuko's ambition exceeds even his concern for his uncle's well being. I had seen in him what I had wanted to see for so long that I had forgotten that there was another side to him, a dark side that won that day and almost got Aang killed but for a gift from Master Pakku which could have been forgotten or misused. He had fought with me in the Spirit Oasis. He knew that there was a substantial Oasis there. Why would he be so angry that Aang had interrupted us? Even if the vial had been lost in the battle, after the war we could have returned to North Pole and attempted to heal him there. Was his ego that fragile that Aang threatened him? Was it that would not join our cause unless had I healed him or did he feel we were ill-prepared peasants who had no chance to defeat his father? Alternatively, was it loyalty to his country and indignation at the threat of its invasion and occupation of the Fire Nation by the Earth Kingdom, Water Tribes and the last Air Bender, the Avatar?

I hope my resolve to resist him will not waver when I meet him in battle again. His jealousy and anger towards Aang scares me. It is unwarranted and unfair. His possessiveness scares me. Would he ever hit me were I to get involved with him? How could he hate Aang so? He had said it himself. Aang was a child. I fear this man. I will wait. Someday, I will be complete. Maybe Aang will be more responsible in two years, that is, if we live to see that day. I just cannot help wondering why he did not do everything to master the Avatar state, then face Azula and stop the coup before coming to help me. Azula could be massacring civilians out of hatred for the so-called people of the "inferior elements" in Ba Sing Se. She also could be trying inspiring terror and submission to her rule given the limited number of troops that defused my father's improvised sea mines and had anchored in the Eastern Lake in the outskirts of the city.

As the days pass the pain and rage lessens and I become cold and calm and I pray that my facade will hold. Then the worry about the fate of my father and the men of our tribe, Suki, the Kyoshi Warriors and the residents trapped in Ba Sing Se take hold. I wondered if Smeller bee, Long shot or even Jet were alive. We would need to use stealth to re-enter the palace. We had not planned properly before. No one had sought to verify Azula, Ty Lee's and Mei's identities before they had entered the palace. This lapse in palace security that was not entirely our fault, but we should have looked them over before we left.

Similarly, the King had been right; moving troops out of the city, especially while the Dai Li's loyalty was in question was very stupid. We were too trusting. We needed a true military genius. We need General Iroh. He had saved my life; he had saved Aang's life. He had the ability to see Spirits. This respect allowed him to see some of Moon Spirit in Yue. This had strengthened her resolve to make her sacrifice to return the gift of life she had received.

Aang also needs a fire-bending teacher and General Iroh I am sure does not want to face execution. He may not want to leave his nephew, but we will get to that bridge later. At this point Toph and Aang will need to tunnel all if us including Bosco and even Appa, back into the Palace. Back to give Azula her just reward for her dishonorable attack. We prayed that she, along with Ozai were not making plans to exterminate both the Northern and Southern Water Tribes, as they were next in the Avatar cycle. They will turn their attention thus if believe Aang to be dead. However if the Fire Sages saw the lights in the temples glow they would know that Aang had survived. Either way, she no doubt will be well prepared to face us upon our return.

Zuko we will deal with when we get there. He hurt Aang. He hurt me. I will never trust him again. Let him go to see his father's face. Maybe he will finally see the evil we all see. However, on the other hand, his actions led to Aang's near death. The Earth Kingdom may imprison him. He chose his destiny. He rejected the promise of my love, his uncle's in favor of his father, his country and his throne. I wonder if his mother had anything to do with his actions. He never said that she had died. Maybe his father had banished her to a nunnery and stripped her and her family of all ranks and privileges. Actually, I do not care. Aang could have died and Azula would have tortured me, unless Zuko had intervened. Nor would I have become his concubine, especially when his grip on power was so tenuous as to put my life in danger. Especially given the color of my skin, Ozai would have probably killed me on sight. That fate awaited us had General Iroh not intervened. I could have frozen the blood in her heart, but there were too many of them. I did not want to lose my humanity by resorting to killing another human being.

I shudder to think of the fate of the Dai Li once we return. Azula might escape, but they will go to jail. No doubt tried for treason and possible war crimes. Toph will make sure of this. She will not miss this battle. My confidence is unshakeable. Aang is more powerful than ever. Our defensive and offensive tactics have changed given our experience. We are ready.

On the matter of guidance, Sokka may tinker with engineering, but not with military tactical and strategic planning as well as with palace security. We will need to change our tactics and resort to stealth and espionage. For example, it took us too long to find Appa. He had been in danger while we had succumbed to Long Feng's blackmail.

Another thing I regret is the generals gave a civilian war plans to carry through town without an armored container and a military escort. That was irresponsible. However, we were innocent then. We are no longer so innocent now.

It seems as if the last of the Palace Guards went to join the invasion forces at General Fong's base after Azula had persuaded the Earth King that she along with Mai and Ty Lee would protect him. So we went from a situation of only a eunuch, Long Feng and other high ranking members of the Dai Li controlling personal access to the "Son of Heaven", the Earth King, to "supposed" Kyoshi warriors having unfettered access to the king. She even had authority to order the Dai Li to arrest the Avatar's Water bending Master. This was the night **before** the main coup unfolded. We would definitely need to suggest to the Palace Guard to tighten security

In addition, during our planning within the ruined temple we suggested to the King to call together all the scientists from Ba Sing Se University to make quick prototypes of whatever weapons, especially war balloons, they could make within the space of six weeks before the eclipse. There Sokka would be invaluable.

My thoughts continue going a mile a minute as I lay still trying to sleep. The Earth King, Kuei as now called him, would ensure that not all the Dai Li and Long could ever escape prison before their executions. The people would no doubt call for the dissolution of the secret police. Kuei had promised us a constitutional monarchy once he returned to power and the abolition of eunuchs restricting access to the king. We also gently made suggestions to loosen class stratification in all areas, not just in the executive branch but also in all areas of social, economic and political life. He could not regain his throne and save his people without us. General Fong's troops were too far away to return before Azula had firmly consolidated power. A conventional battle without Aang could fail or become a bloody stalemate as the rest of the kingdom had endured for 100 years. After all, the King surely didn't want a revolutionary like the Jet of old, on his throne or running a "so called", People's Committee" and totalitarian "supposedly" new classless utopia.

As for Zuko, the yearnings that I had suppressed for so long were now deeper into my sub consciousness. Night after night until we returned, as we planned, I willed myself not to feel anything except to protect Aang and my new family with my life and so the emotions evolved into cold calm fury which I would unleash on Azula soon enough. I practiced as much as I could at the Eastern Air Temple. We slept, tried to hide our depression. We laughed. We took in the Guru's wisdom. Then it was time to leave for Ba Sing Se.

As for my relationship with Aang, it never changed. It was the same as before in that it was a platonic close friendship. However, we were closer now, than before the lightening hit and I thought I had lost him. After he finished his private sessions with Guru Pathik, I noticed his crush had disappeared. I was sad and happy at the same time. Now I would not have to face making that decision. One day there will be someone for me. I will no longer have to comfort others and suppress my wants and feelings. It made me so happy to be with them and to feel needed. They not only took from me, they also gave. However, I sometimes resented being, the responsible, mother figure. I wanted someone who would listen to me, take care of me. I prayed to the Spirits that I would be strong enough to resist Zuko. I prayed that my sense of duty would continue to guide, to help to me protect Aang with my life so that we could end this war finally.

Author's notes: Sorry, there is no dialogue or plot. I corrected the grammar and spelling re-submitted. I am not a writer, I merely wanted to point out ideas I felt were overlooked in other stories. Zuko's chapter will come. I may write small chapters with the thoughts of Azula and Aang if I have the time and feel others share my views. Zutara may end up together or the writers of the series could split them up given the risks outlined here.


	2. Chapter 2

55

Private Thoughts

Chapter 2 

Zuko's Thoughts

I am not an author, so bear with me. However, I wanted to address a few issues 

**Zuko woke up for the third that night in the Earth King's Palace in Ba Sing Se covered in a cold sweat. Uncle Iroh was under house arrest in a small set of rooms down the hall. He had emphasized clearly to Azula that she had to honor their laws, especially now that Ba Sing Se was legally Fire Nation soil. All nobles and members of the Royal family and the upper echelon of the clergy were to maintain some of their privileges until the passage of their sentences. The only occasion in which all their privileges were forfeit was upon conviction for treason. It had not come to that yet. The Fire Nation was an absolutist monarchy, yet his father needed the support of these classes and even the growing ranks of the war profiteering nouveau riche bourgeois they would take great offense to knowing that their privileges were in danger, regardless of nature of the charge. She had grudgingly agreed.**

**The first week he was very scared that Azula would turn on him and kill him. He was also very afraid that his father would never accept him back without the Avatar. He was walked, trained ate and slept in a heightened state of anxiety and alertness. He was also extremely depressed and somewhat remorseful. He feared for Uncle's life. He feared for his own. The guilt and the shame of betraying his Uncle, Katara, even the Avatar, was all consuming. He even threw up once in his room. His hands had been shaking and he felt faint. The fact that Azula truly needed him became clear to him by the end of the first week. The Earth sages temple dedicated to the Avatar within the Palace complex had seen the lights glow, signaling that the Avatar was still alive. Azula clearly did not want to owe her victory to the Dai Li nor to Mai and Ty Lee. They were also no match for the Avatar. He would live and he would go home.**

**As he stared up at the ceiling, he longed to have uncle by his side, as he always was when he had his nightmares. This time Uncle was not there to reassure him. There was no one there. He looked around and his eyes became accustomed to the darkness. The painting and the tapestries were exquisite. The bed was almost as big as his bed at home. Yet they were little comfort to him. The people he cared about were not there. "Mother, where are you?"" Uncle, I am sorry."" I will protect you."**

**Yet at the time, he had had no plan. He saw his chance and he took it. He had not been sure that his mother was in danger. He had not wanted to ruin Uncle's grand opening of the teashop. Yet he had planned to discuss it with him as soon as possible. It had been a very lucid dream. He had even had a false awakening, and had seen himself as the Avatar. Azula showed up and he took the opportunity, to reclaim his honor, his father's love and to find his mother before it was too late.**

**He pushed the finely embroidered comforter off his body and went to look out the window at the lights of the city laid out before him. The voice in his head willed himself to feel nothing and slowly, his heart hardened. He thought back to the last battle. How dare Katara question his actions! He yearned for her. He lusted for her. He wanted to be close to her, but he did not yet love her! He would not give up his country, his throne his father, even his sister, to join their band of peasants led by that whelp the Avatar. He would become cold. No woman would ever dare to tell him what to do. He would see to that.**

**The city was quiet in the pre dawn hours. As he looked out into the courtyard, he saw the reinforcements that had arrived yesterday mill about the barracks readying to go on patrol in the city. He left the day-to-day governance and intimidation to Azula and Long Feng. He did not plan to go on trial for war crimes at the end of this. He feigned disinterest until the captain of the battle group entered Azula's study." Your Highness, what should be done with prisoners?" Apparently, the surviving men of the Southern Water Tribe were in the dungeons. They had tried to enforce a naval blockade at the mouth of Chameleon Bay. The experience of the past failed attempts had led to the use of naval divers and minesweepers to defeat them. Zuko's face showed no emotion. With a nod of his head, he signaled to Azula that he needed to speak to her in private. Normally she would be incensed at the semblance of sharing command. However, she noticed the navy men showed great respect to the "war heroes" equally. News of their exploits would undoubtedly reach the Fire Nation public with the return of the ship sent to fetch supplies and carry the diplomatic pouches and private communiqués to her father and the ministers on the Council. It would be wise to assess Zuko's growing strength before striking. She also noted a bit of sexism on their part. He was a man who had spent almost three years at sea. She was a mere princess. She would disabuse them of their prejudices soon enough. Yet now was not the time. Zuko was useful. He had escaped her traps for four long months. He seemed to have some type of relationship with the Avatar and the Water Tribe girl. He would become useful in a way he could never imagine.**

**She signaled with a sweep of her hand that the captain should step into the reception area until summoned. "Yes Zuko". He was back in command and it showed. He was Zuko again. The rush returned. He looked her square in the eye. 'Azula, I'm sure you are aware that these men are from the tribe of the friends of the Avatar." Her tone remained matter of fact. "Yes, I am well aware. They will be executed forthwith, unless you have another suggestion." Zuko hoped his face remained cold and dispassionate. "The Earth Sages have reported that the Avatar is alive. Should these pitiful tribesmen be executed his rage will only intensify. I am sure our last altercation did nothing to endear him to us." Her eyes narrowed. "What are you suggesting brother?" He calmly continued. "It would be best to keep them alive..." Now she became incensed, yet she forced herself to reply, "I am well aware that the Avatar and his companions will attempt to liberate them and free the city from occupation as soon as they are able. Keeping these savages alive will make no difference once they are here. As you well know we are prepared for their return." Zuko forced himself to explain his plan. "Azula", he asked calmly, how many times have you seen the child in the Avatar State?" Now she lost patience. 'Only once, dear brother and am I to take it that you're questioning my authority or my abilities?" Her gaze became hard and threatening. He chooses to ignore that challenge. Leaning back calmly, he continued. "The child and the water bender will return with the intent to liberate the city and the tribesmen. Should you execute their tribesmen, he will kill you." She watched his body language intently. "He is a monk and a child dear brother. I hardly think I have to fear him". Ignoring her, he continued. "He has changed. Since he lost the bison, he has become harder, colder. You tried to kill him. Kill her relatives and he will kill you. It would be best to have the option to retreat. Should he become truly enraged, he may kill you." He saw a glimmer of fear behind her facade, which disappeared quickly. 'Very well, brother. You may go. Take the rest of the afternoon off. You may even take Uncle to the training arena. You do need to practice." He ignored the barb. "Very well, I need to speak to uncle about teaching me the advanced sets." He bowed and left.**

**He removed his new armor, changed into his workout gear and went to Uncle's room. Uncle barely spoke to him and with his Dai Li 'bodyguard' shadowing his every move; it did not matter much anyway. As he stepped out into the courtyard, he looked up and saw Azula watching.**

**He smiled tersely up at her and Uncle resignedly followed his example. In his thoughts, he heard the Blue Dragon hiss in Azula's sickeningly sweet voice, "Sleep. Just like mother! She would pay for what she did to his mother. They would return home and father would love him. At least he hoped that he would love him. He hoped that he would capture the Avatar and his father would restore his honor, his throne, and of course allow him to keep the Water Tribe girl as a concubine. He just had to keep alert and alive until then. He gave no thought to the feelings of neither the Avatar nor the Water Tribe girl. They would submit to his will. He did not need them. He did not need their love or friendship. Uncle watched him train aggressively and thought sadly, "That child needs a psychological healer. I can only try to keep him alive from now on. I can do no more until he accepts the help of others. I pray his mother is alive or else he will truly become like Ozai and beyond redemption. The Avatar and Water Tribe girl, her brother, and Toph need to return quickly before we lose him forever."**

**This is my contribution for now. Let us hope the new season returns soon. Take care.**


	3. Chapter 3

Aang's Thoughts

Private Thoughts Chapter 3. 

_Avatar the Last Air Bender belongs to Nickelodeon and its creators, Mike and Bryan _

How could he give her up? She was the love of his life. (However short that life was).Her face was the first thing he had seen after he awoke from a century of sleep. Yet, he knew that he had to. Everyone in Ba Sing Se, the whole world, (minus the majority of the Fire Nation), was depending on him and his team to end the Occupation. They could not hope for victory without the Avatar State. Reluctantly, he went over to where the Guru was meditating. He looked up and smiled.

"Aang, I see your friend brought you back from death. How do you feel? "

Aang looked at him with a wan smile as he sat down and assumed the lotus position.

"I feel fine. I think I realize now what you were trying to tell me. In order to escape suffering, I must let go of desire. I have to let go of my feelings for Katara. If not, ignorance and the resulting jealousy and hatred will prevent my attainment of Enlightenment."

"I must forgo selfishness in order to reach the cosmic plane of Buddha hood. Azula exploited my attachment to Katara. I should have prevented the coup first, and then used our forces to help Katara."

The Guru looked at him with such compassion. He could see that the boy's love was pure, true, and unconditional. The girl was beautiful and caring, and she wanted to love him, but her heart mourned another. As the Avatar, he needed to sacrifice more than the others did.

"Come, Aang, let us begin. You will still love her. However, you will love her as you would a sister. It is better that way. If not, your enemies will exploit this weakness and your own actions will become erratic in the face of jealousy or doubt."

Immediately Aang thought of Koh and the woman who had lost her face 900 years ago because of him. He thought how manic Zuko had been in his jealous rage, fueled by his ambition. He thought how Azula had been able to predict his actions. How astute she had been in imprisoning Katara and Zuko together.

He could not put the world in danger because of his own selfishness. He had run away when he had felt overwhelmed by his responsibilities. Now his beloved father figure Gyatso along with the other Air Benders was dead. He would embrace his duty and become a Bodhisattva and a fully realized Avatar. The whole world, not just Katara, needed him. He bowed his head and the Guru began to lead him through opening the Chakras once more. Katara would have been proud of him. However, he would never tell her. All the detours he had taken before he had become enlightened and embraced his duty would stay hidden. Yet, he would always be there for her. That would never change. He would always love her, but in a different way.

The following is a note from the author. Let us hope that Season 3 will begin soon and that the proposed movie does not stray too far from the original. Take care.


End file.
